


I Can Control It

by RogaZora



Series: Survivor of the Void [1]
Category: Warframe
Genre: Angst, Orokin ableism, Other, post-Chains of Harrow, post-War within
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 22:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13421019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogaZora/pseuds/RogaZora
Summary: The damage had been done. Now all that’s left is shame. And… fear. Mission failure. The sounds of battle, the screams of corpus gunmen and the noise of your own firearms had done their worst. In the end, your tired mind had no idea on what to focus on and tried, as it often does, to listen to everything.“Why are you like this?"





	I Can Control It

**Author's Note:**

> Self-indulgent writing about my Operator, after all the events of Chains of Harrow.
> 
> text in italics : the Operator thinking  
> "text in italics": a memory

_“You cast him out”_

The writing appears in your mind, over and over again. Always followed by flashes of images, scents, the feeling of your slick grip clutching something in the palm of your hand- is that… blood? Someone’s whispering, but who and… where?

“Hey kiddo” 

Suddenly you’re cast from your thoughts and thrust into the present, all of your senses trained acutely on the figure sitting, without a care, on your orbiter’s monitor counter. _How is that possible?_  
Just as soon as it appears, it disappears. You’re left with nothing but a feeling of emptiness. Your body is shaking.  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_“Rap tap tap”_

“I don’t want to go back.” 

The infested screech all around you as you gun them down. Just a little while longer and you can head towards the extraction point. Your actions are so repetitive at this point that you feel safe enough to let your mind wander. Foolish though it is.

_“Blinded she cast him out”_

You remember. Not the day that it happened but the fact that it HAD happened. The boy was… so afraid. Yet emotionless. He didn’t fight it. Why? Because he was broken? No! Not broken, just different. Just like-

“-head to extraction when you’re ready.” The Lotus’ voice snaps you back to attention. That’s your cue. 

The hallways, filled with puss, mangled corpses and rushing infested become nothing but a blur as you speed towards your exit. _Focus on your movements, don’t let them distract you._ Finally you enter the extraction vehicle and return to your orbiter. 

You remain restless.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_“They were nothing but animals by then. So I hunted.”_

The weight of what you had done, even if it was just for survival keeps returning to you. The feeling is not unlike someone shoving increasingly heavier rocks upon your chest. Sometimes you can barely breathe. Luckily, no one can see through your warframe. After all, your true self is hidden safely within your ship, the only ones privy to your deteriorating condition being Ordis and…. Lotus. 

_Get a grip. She can’t see, I can’t let her see!_ But it was already too late. Lotus had done her job well, as always, and cancelled the mission. NO! 

“Tenno, your physical reaction worries me. I am pulling you from this mission and having you return to your vessel. Rest, my child. Your current state is concerning.”

“I’m fine. I can control it!” 

_“..it coiled itself around your tender heart…”_ The grineer queen’s voice echoed in your head. 

_“Control yourself kiddo! Don’t want to worry your mother, do you?_ ” Your father reprimanded you. 

_“Why are you like this?!”_ Your mother wept. 

The damage had been done. Now all that’s left is shame. And… fear. _Mission failure_. The sounds of battle, the screams of corpus gunmen and the _noise_ of your own firearms had done their worst. In the end, your tired mind had no idea on what to focus on and tried, as it often does, to listen to **everything.** What followed were the expected reactions. First, irritability. Then, as the volume of it all grew, increased tension of your muscles, your warframe suffering from mental input that only made its movements choppy, erratic and … _uncontrollable_. Then… absolute fear. _If I can’t control it, will she- ?_

_“Why are you like this”_

_I don’t know._

There is nothing she can do to you, though. Isn’t there? You’re already a Tenno. You have a warframe, a ship and even a cephalon. She can’t reject you anymore. She can’t do to me what she did to him. Except… _she’s not her_. Lotus isn’t Margulis. But she can just, not give you any more missions. 

_What then?_

“She’s right. I should rest.” 

_It’s quiet._

( _Dream... not of what you are... but of what you want to be._ ) 

**Author's Note:**

> Essentially, my Operator is me- to an extent. So my Operator also experiences Sensory Overload, particularly when faced with a lot of sound from different sources at once.
> 
> Rell had similar problems, but his was centered around multiple senses so it was even more overwhelming for him. Unlike my Operator, he had bigger trouble with control (of the void powers, his emotional state, etc.). So Margulis, or whoever cast him out, operated on the good old Orokin mentality of: If it's divergent or not "normal", destroy it or hide it. Hence my poor Operator being so terrified of being found out. Also, Margulis might not be there anymore, but Lotus took her place so all the fear that was directed towards Margulis is now transferred over towards the Lotus.


End file.
